Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
