I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
