I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
