bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
