After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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