I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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