I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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