allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
