what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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