i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My balls are so social today.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
