id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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