We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
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