I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
