____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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