you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
