this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
