I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
