drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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