Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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