On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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