Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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