I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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