the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
