so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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