so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
