I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
