fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
