so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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