i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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