I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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