I checked into jail on foursquare
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
