Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.