i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC