I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
