in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
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I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night