Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
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why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
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Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router