I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
