My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
