How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
