I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
