My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
