I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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