Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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