so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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