Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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