guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
