Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
