Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I CAN MOONWALK!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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