She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
