The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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