I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
