There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
