There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
