I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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