gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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