did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
