i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
