When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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