Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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