he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
