Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
