I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
