Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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